From now on, I vow to forget that image of what I thought "family " means to me. Though I feel very bad for my mom, I do not know how to help. I know if it hurts me this bad,it hurts me a thousand times more.

What does this word "family" mean that many people fond of most? As with me, I feel so empty when such thing is mentioned. What I've once thought that I had is what I now lack the most. It's not about who you refer to as relatives, but who in this world can you trust that you at least won't be judged for any reason under any condition.

In every fight, someone must get hurt, sometime both, more or less. People fight because people want to win - that power that they urge to have while watching your opponent desperately crying for help. But how do you feel when such power is contributed by the one that you believe to be holding some type of DNA that you are carrying in your very own blood, cells, you name them scientists - no matter how hard you tell yourself to deny the fact.

It hurts, it hurts really bad. It hurts a million times more for my mom.

Building a new concept for family won't be busy but I will try. Where must I go for a place to rant my frustration but you Blogger? I just want to release and clear out my thought, wishing everything was just like what I imagine. Ba noi, mai mot lon, ba mua cho con bo rau muon dem ra cho ban. How such simple dreams made me so happy? Why can't I ever be like that again? Never never.... Because time machine does not go backward! Oh, what a lonely me when it seems like I have everything that I should have.

Mommy is still looking for a job. There is some hope here and there but no actual result. Of course, with my personality, I always expect of worst of the worst. I try to plan out my cash flow, so that I don't spend recklessly. But the more I plan the more I worry. I can get a migraine just from thinking about it. I am scared that what I fear most will happen. Mom said ... people (aunties) seem to be avoiding us because we're like a chunk of debt. We are nothing but debt. I never ever wanted to borrow money from anybody. But gosh ... this is the only choice that we have. I am trying hard ... trying hard to hold my mind together.... what to do .. what to do...

Sometimes, I'm just surprised the ways things are turning out. Nothing is closed to what I've imagined. What I thought was most important to me end up to become something I resent most. Maybe I've changed, maybe they've changed ... But what should I do ... I do not have many choices. Everyday is just waiting and waiting for that one ray of sunlight. Hopefully, one day the sun will shine my way. Everyday is just hoping that things will get better... Am I too passive?? too dumb to be waiting??? Am I supposed to be doing something?? I have not clue. I seriously don't know who to trust. I can't tell when is it reality and when is it a dream. What is true and what is untrue? Do people wake up one day and just forget about everything???!!! I just hope there is something I can do... finish school ... financial aid ... mom needs a job badly ... what do we do?? We need to stand up on our own feet this time... No more receiving help from others. The more help is given and received, a little more of my dignity is gone ...

So I will start writing here when I have something to say ...